Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
