I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
