apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
