You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
