I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
