Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
