Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
