Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize