I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
a search helicopter?!
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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