hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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