There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
