My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
