he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
