Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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