I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
