Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
