I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
