I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
