??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize