They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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