If i come over, it means nothing
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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