I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
