Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
