Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
