Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
