Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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