pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
As shirtless as possible
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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