It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
