Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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