i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
