I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
