My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
