I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
