i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
