I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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