About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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