i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
