I can text with my tongue
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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