it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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