Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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