I just saw a hot homeless man
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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