Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
zippers are such a cool invention
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
