Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
