I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
