When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
