I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
