It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
