You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
