How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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