I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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