How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
