She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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