how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
