I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
