so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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