Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
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