you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How does one acquire holy water?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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