So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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